I am so good at Chocobo Racing by Izo Lopez

I am so good at Chocobo Racing. You don’t even know how good I am at Chocobo Racing. I am so freaking good at that game.

I am the kind of player who can stay at the center of the road at full speed the entire race. I am so good I never let go of accelerate.

I am so good at Chocobo racing I play Mog. Some pros say Chubby Chocobo is a worse character because of his low acceleration, but he’s got great traction to compensate. Mog is just garbage stats all across the board. I play him though, and win every time.

I play him with the Flap power too. That power is absolutely useless in all possible scenarios. I use it though. With Mog too, and I win every time.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing I made my brother cry. I was just playing against AI but I won so well my bro felt terrible for the AI’s feelings.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing even my dad cried. He said my victory was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. My mom didn’t even mind that he said that while she was in the room. It was their anniversary too but my mom was crying too because she agreed.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing I played every kid in my school and won. I then called in each of their parents and beat them too. I took on the teachers and the principal too, and that guy was a Grand Prix driver in his youth. I beat them all and they put me in the honor’s list.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing they did a documentary on me titled “Maximum Speed: A Gamer’s Unimaginable Skill”. That wasn’t some local news crap—CNN was in my house and everything. I met Piers Morgan and everything. I beat him too.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing if I played you without holding back, you would lose consciousness for a whole day afterwards. When you wake up, you’ll be shorter a few inches.

If you play me, I’ll win, and then you’ll be fine, go home, live your life as best as you can. You’ll go through a few girlfriends before fidning the love of your life, get married and have a wonderful kid. That kid will be exceptionally brilliant even at a young age and show an interest in classical instruments and geography. At the age of twelve, he will suddenly hate his clarinet and start playing basketball with his friends. You’ll take him to the doctor and the doctor wil ltell you that his IQ is dropping at an alarming rate and soon he’ll be just like every other kid instead of your favored prodigy. You’ll ask the doctor if there’s anything you can do but the doctor will say there is no cure. You’ll wonder why God would give you such a wonderful child only to take his uniqueness away and you’ll ask the doctor what could possibly have caused your firstborn to degrade into mediocrity. He will tell you it’s a rare disease only contractable one way and then he’ll ask you if you ever played Chocobo Racing in your youth and lost particularly badly. Then you’ll know.

You might as well ask the doctor why he’s wearing an eyepatch. He’ll say he went blind several years ago after he watched me play. He’ll say, “if you think I got it bad, you should see the guy he beat. Compared to that guy you got off easy.”

I am so good at Chocobo Racing I was president of a small Middle Eastern country for three weeks. They sent their best against me. The president was so impressed he gave me his job for a while.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing there are moments when I’m playing and the controller will just levitate in front of me. Like for real glowing and shit.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing that I appear in the credits. The game developers have no clue how I got there post-prod, but  now everyone who plays the game will see my name. Also, I played the game designers and beat them all. They used the secret cheats and everythign but it didn’t matter in the end.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing that Shaq challenged me in Shaq VS, and I beat him so bad his hair disappeared not just at that moment but in all moments in the reality timeline. They didn’t even air that episode because it was so humiliating. You should have seen Shaq with corn-rows though. He was so fly with hair, like you don’t even know.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing I have played the Pope. They blessed his controller and prayed the rosary fifty-three times in preparation.  Like Jesus was there and everything. I kid you not, he was there and there was an angelic chorus and the scent of roses and random tongues of flame—the whole freaking shebang. No, The Jesus. As in the actual son of God himself in the flesh coaching the pope over his shoulder going, “Use the fireball JP! The fireball! Goddamn it!”.

I should have gotten a sainthood as was the bet but Jesus said the only way i could be that good was if I’d made some deal with the devil. Man, he knew I was legit but still he wouldn’t give me the sainthood. I’d beaten the devil and that guy was much less of a sore loser I can tell you.

I don’t expect I will die. I can just challenge the reaper to Chocobo Racing. I heard he favors using White Mage but that’s just going to make it tough for him when i choose the Fantasia map.

I am so good at Chocobo Racing nothing I can ever say can come close to describing just how good I am at that game.

Chocobo Racing is my life. It is all I need, and my value in the world is my mastery of it. That’s a lot of value too, because I’m so good at it. It doesn’t even matter that it is an old game that hardly anyone played. I’m just that good that it does matter, and the universe takes notice even though adults do not.

You have to see it to understand. You have to play me to know that I’m not even kidding when I say I’m freaking incredible at Chocobo Racing.

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Izo Lopez, 4 BFA CW. WriterSkill, LitSoc, Sanggu OSG, LIONs. Take with salt, follow @QuoteQuipster.